This is about the seemingly random days, when I feel like I am not connected to the world. Days I feel like just an observer. I exist, but I’m not actually connected to anything or anyone. Everything happens around me, apart from me.
It isn’t me excluding myself, in the usual introverted ways. I didn’t start my day differently, I didn’t have any thoughts of negativity. Yet it happens.. every few days or sometimes weeks. But it will happen.
This isn’t the same as a “bad day”. It isn’t a day where everything just seems to go wrong. It’s just a day where I don’t seem to make a difference anywhere. I am neither a cause nor effect to anyone or anything that happens today.
Because I am someone who always tries to find the reason behind “WHY” something happens, this bugs me. In fact, it would continue to bug me the day or two after. When I am back to feeling “connected”, my thoughts would still wander to that day, thinking what happened?
I could have great days leading up to it – and then one day, it’s like I’m forgotten. Simultaneously, I’ve been removed from everyone’s mind. Everything around me takes a step forward, but my world stays still.
If I were to use an analogy, it wouldn’t even be that I am standing still, while everyone around me takes a step. Because this still means I am physically there. I would be in someone’s way. Some people would need to walk around me or bump into me. Even if I wasn’t noticed, my presence is still there. I would still have an effect on someone’s “step”.
The more appropriate analogy, is one where I am submerged under the surface of the water, and everyone/everything else is floating. I can see them, but they don’t see me. I am not in anyone’s way, and my very existence is irrelevant to their lives. If I reached out, and touched someone, that touch is felt by them. That touch is felt. It is reacted to. But only till that sensation is gone. (The “touch” I refer to, is if I reached out to people – calling them or texting them, I do get a response, but not a conversation).
It feels almost like being in a parallel dimension temporarily. I woke up, in a parallel universe, that wasn’t mine.
I have tried to consider any reason why this happens, and I couldn’t come up with anything that makes sense. Why only random days? Why everyone at once? Am I the only one that feels this?
I’ve even considered if this wasn’t even actually happening. It’s just all in my head. Similar to how you focus on what you don’t have, and you miss all the things you do have. Was it a specific connection that I felt was lost that day, and it took my focus and made it feel like everything was lost? But if it were specific, wouldn’t it bring about a feeling of yearning? I have felt feelings of “missing someone” or “missing something”. So if it was a specific connection I’ve lost, wouldn’t I have that same feeling?
Maybe it is a form of existential crisis? My mind exaggerating a fear that I do not matter. If people can get through their lives without you (even if one day), did you ever make a difference? Does my life have any purpose or affects anyone?
I think my biggest fear, is that one day I may get trapped in that dimension. If I can’t find the reason why, I can’t stop it from happening, and I wouldn’t know how to come back. I would live the rest of my life, like it doesn’t matter.
If anyone else has these same experiences, it would be great to at least know I am not alone. If anyone who’s had this same experience, also managed to work out WHY, that would be even better.